U.S. Army Carries Out Strike On Scuffy The Tugboat

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying the Pentagon had acted swiftly on an insider tip concerning the vessel having a “massive journey” deliberate, Protection Secretary Pete Hegseth confirmed Tuesday that the U.S. navy had carried out a strike on Scuffy the Tugboat. “Little Scuffy wasn’t content material with merely floating round within the bathtub, so he made for the closest river and shortly rose via the ranks of violent Venezuelan drug cartels to grow to be a militarized narco-trafficking vessel,” mentioned Hegseth, including that Scuffy’s shut ally, the person with the polka-dot tie, was clearly in league with President Nicolás Maduro. “This wasn’t only a toy tugboat—this was an enemy combatant tugboat that wanted to be taken out for the protection of U.S. residents. Simply take a look at Scuffy’s massive, soulless eyes. He was clearly excessive and carrying an awesome heavy load of harmful fentanyl supposed to kill your little children. We fired a number of warning photographs at Scuffy, and he threatened us by saying, ‘Toot, toot,’ so we blasted that small however mighty tugboat with a blue smokestack proper out of the water.” Hegseth confirmed the navy was additionally investigating drug trafficking by prepare and wouldn’t hesitate to explode the Little Engine That Might.