My dearly beloved, we’re gathered right here right this moment to have a good time the union of this man and this girl…and this empty pockets and this wiped-out checking account…within the bonds of holy moly, this marriage ceremony is dear !
Ding-dong, loyal readers! Marriage ceremony bells are ringing across the Dudek family. (Or perhaps that’s the cha-ching of the money register.) After 28 lengthy years, considered one of my daughters has discovered her Mr. Proper they usually’re headed down the aisle…and I’m headed into chapter 11! That’s proper, my little woman has lastly discovered “The One.” Sadly, this One is adopted by three Zeros, and it’s on the backside of a invoice for flowers! I’m telling you, this marriage ceremony florist’s hottest association is extortion. Hey, do I get a reduction if I e book you for my funeral, too? As a result of the costs of those flowers received’t cease rosing (rising)! For that a lot cash, the daisies ought to be pushing up me!
At this fee, the bride received’t be capable to throw the bouquet as a result of we’ll be serving it for dinner.
No turning again now. In a couple of brief weeks, I’ll stroll down the aisle and provides away my satisfaction and pleasure, the apple of my eye, my most prized possession. I’m referring, in fact, to my cash ! I swear, in the previous couple of months I’ve seen extra payments come and go than a coach in Buffalo throughout duck season! So should you see me crying on the ceremony, you’ll know why. Don’t trouble passing me a tissue…until it’s wrapped round a stack of money!
Seems RSVP stands for Roger S’about-to-be Very Poor!
Now, don’t get me incorrect. I couldn’t be happier that considered one of my daughters is tying the knot. I simply didn’t assume it could be hooked up to a lasso round what’s left of my nest egg! For years, she stored bringing dwelling “roommates” for Thanksgiving, so I assumed she is likely to be homosexual and I’d get a e book out of it. Think about my shock when two years in the past, completely out of the blue, the women resolve to do Thanksgiving at their mother’s home, not invite me, and she brings a man dwelling as an alternative !
A lot for my long-planned bestselling memoir, My Daughter’s A Lesbian…And All I Received Was This Awful T-Shirt!
However severely, my ex-wife and I couldn’t imagine our daughter lastly met somebody. We thought she was a misplaced trigger! When she didn’t get requested to promenade, I stated, “It’s hopeless. She’ll by no means discover anybody like her dad.” And Rosemary stated, “God prepared!” And I stated, “You stated it, not me!” and “Don’t go there!” and Rosemary left the room. Reveals what I do know. Flash Gordon 10 years later, and my daughter’s introducing me to her good friend Paul. Boy, did Paul transfer quick. I let you know, this dude moved faster than Usain Bolt chasing a lightning bolt. One Thanksgiving he’s “Paul,” by Christmas he’s “Babe,” and earlier than I do know it, he’s proposing at a barbecue in my very own ex-wife’s yard!
I wouldn’t have believed it if I didn’t see the images on Fb. He went down on one knee, and I hit the ground! He put a hoop on it, and I ringed the financial institution to say, “Batten down the hatches!” He popped the query, and I popped a blood vessel serious about how a lot cash this marriage ceremony’s gonna price! Paul looks like a pleasant child, although. He even known as to ask me for my daughter’s hand. Little did I do know I’d be giving him an arm and a leg, too! My very own!
In fact, she stated sure. However I needed to know if she was actually positive. So I sat her down and informed her that if she goes by way of with this, there’s no going again. She’ll be caught with this particular person for all times. Irrespective of how a lot they struggle, or how a lot they may hate one another, she’ll by no means be capable to get away from the outdated ball and chain. I’m speaking about her new mother-in-law ! That’s proper! Weddings imply a complete new set of in-laws. I’m getting a brand new son-in-law, and my daughter’s getting a brand new headache! Hey, right here’s a riddle for you: What do you name the mother-in-law of my daughter? Her downside!
I’m telling you, one of the best factor about these new in-laws is that they’re paying for a lot of the marriage ceremony they usually dwell on the alternative coast!
And don’t get me began on the price of the reception! I want my cellphone was shedding reception so I might cease getting calls about how costly this darn get together is! You gotta pay for meals, drinks, a marriage band, and a dance ground. I’m telling you, “The Hustle” I’ve to place in to feed a bunch of strangers some “Funky Hen” actually makes me need to “Shout.” If my daughter doesn’t “Macarena” in (rein in) her spending, I’ll should “Electrical Slide” out of my lease when my checking account reveals a “Conga Line” of zeros. Overlook the afterparty! In case you want me, I’ll be sleeping on the “YMCA”! Isn’t that “Hora”-ble (horrible)?
Oh properly. You recognize what they are saying: “Blissful spouse, comfortable life, comfortable daughter, keep away from slaughter.” So I’ll simply shut my mouth, shut my eyes, signal the test, and lock my different daughter away in a convent so I by no means should pay for an additional marriage ceremony ever once more! Do you assume that’s a good suggestion, Roger?
I do.
Till subsequent time, gang!
Roger Dudek is an expert, syndicated humor columnist who has been writing professionally for greater than 30 years. His column, Write On The Humorous!, has been revealed intermittently in dozens of newspapers because it started in 1992. His comedic e book of humorous essays, Memoirs Of A Man-sha, continues to be searching for a writer.
