WASHINGTON—In a shocking shake-up that has despatched shock waves by way of a division already roiled by upheaval, Well being and Human Companies Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. introduced Tuesday that he had fired the nation’s sitting piss czar.
Throughout a White Home press convention, Kennedy defined that he had determined to dismiss piss czar Travis Spragg over considerations that the Biden appointee “couldn’t be trusted” to supply People sound piss steering. Regardless of Spragg’s stature as a prime HHS official whose work on piss-related affairs has garnered respect from each events, the secretary insisted {that a} lack of “urinary integrity” made Spragg unfit to function piss czar any longer.
“People deserve higher than a piss czar who colludes with highly effective pursuits behind stall doorways to maintain our bladders unhealthy and weak,” Kennedy mentioned in his forceful remarks, accusing Spragg of blindly parroting mainstream piss orthodoxy. “He has repeatedly enforced dangerous rules which have stifled analysis into the potential advantages of piss retention and making use of piss to wounds.”
“It’s time to put off the purple tape strangling our urethras and make piss wholesome once more,” Kennedy added earlier than toasting the announcement with a glass of murky, amber liquid.
Throughout his affirmation listening to, Kennedy pledged to Sen. Lisa Murkowski (R-AK) that he wouldn’t change current piss tips, and he in the end secured the pro-hydration Republican’s help. However with the termination of the piss czar—historically a 10-year, nonpolitical appointment—many urologists and nephrologists now worry the HHS chief intends to empower voices who share his skepticism towards science-based pissing.
“America has at all times been primary in urination, and now some dilettante who doesn’t know his ureters from his urethra needs to undo a long time of progress,” mentioned Harvard College piss researcher Edwin Talbot, expressing considerations {that a} hostile piss czar might make it rather more tough for the U.S. populace to take care of its piss well being. “Kennedy has boosted pseudoscientific practices like bladder-sunning, and he has falsely linked shaking out the final drops to early loss of life. Simply final month he erroneously claimed on a podcast that ladies piss by way of the vagina. Mark my phrases, our well being secretary is about to ship American micturition again into the Darkish Ages.”
He added, “After I think about pissing below an RFK Jr.–appointed piss czar, it sends a shiver down my penis.”
Whereas Spragg’s ouster as piss czar has triggered alarm bells within the medical group, it aligns with a rising motion of piss conspiracism amongst the American public.
In a nationwide ballot carried out by the Pew Analysis Heart, 73% of U.S. residents mentioned they distrusted authorities tips on pissing, whereas 66% mentioned they believed pissing was much less efficient at relieving bladders than contemporary air and train. Half of these surveyed claimed that bogs had been used to trace People’ bodily whereabouts, and 42% expressed perception that porcelain—a vitrified ceramic utilized in many bathrooms—was related to coronary heart assaults, declining sperm counts, and the prevalence of mass shootings.
“The federal government shouldn’t have any say in what I expel from my physique or how,” mentioned Iowa resident Alice Haines, who added that having voided her bladder at her desk in defiance of federal tips had led to her dismissal from a job with the Nationwide Park Service. “I’d fairly piss throughout myself the best way people have for 1000’s of years than threat sitting my physique on some harmful bathroom I don’t even perceive.”
“Frankly, I hope Kennedy doesn’t cease with firing the piss czar,” Haines went on, defiantly stomping her foot with a moist squishing sound. “I hope he closes each state-run lavatory, outhouse, and port-a-potty till piss on this nation lastly will get again heading in the right direction.”
