Research Finds 93% Of Murders Solved By Consulting Sufferer’s Pet Parrot

WASHINGTON—In line with a nationwide crime examine by the FBI’s Nationwide Incident-Primarily based Reporting System, simply over 93% of all homicide instances solved by native, state, and federal police up to now 10 years have been resolved by consulting the sufferer’s beloved pet parrot. “In some instances, the break is easy and the hen will squawk the killer’s title and a plea to place down the gun,” stated FBI press workplace spokesperson Dana Whittle, explaining that the bureau has now formally instructed brokers to deal with interviews with a homicide sufferer’s tropical pet hen as the usual first step in any murder investigation. “Simply this week, we solved a chilly case in Arizona after realizing that the sufferer’s pet cockatiel, Percy, had been rattling off the precise code to a security deposit field the place the sufferer had hidden letters implicating her killer. In reality, we’ve had over 50 instances in 2025 alone the place we efficiently tracked down a suspect after realizing that the nonsense phrase the parrot had been repeating all week had, in truth, been the vainness plate on the assassin’s automotive. Parrots are very smart birds, and people which have been skilled to determine totally different colours have been instrumental in fixing almost 100 instances attributed to the HVAC repairman with the maroon birthmark.” At press time, the FBI had inspired all Individuals to spend money on a hen able to mimicking human speech to discourage future homicides.