Report: Your Bare Physique Will Make Complete Morgue Chuckle

MINNEAPOLIS—In its detailed evaluation of how your corpse will seem when mendacity on a brightly lit postmortem examination desk, a report printed Friday by researchers within the College of Minnesota’s mortuary science program concluded that your bare physique will make your entire morgue chuckle. “In line with our projections, the mortician, an assistant, and anybody else who occurs to stroll in and catch sight of your unclothed stays will instantly burst into uncontrollable laughter at each the scale and form of your numerous physique elements,” stated lead researcher Rachel Stein, including that your stomach, genitals, and buttocks, together with any tattoos you might have, will turn out to be inside jokes on the funeral dwelling, hospital, or medical expert’s workplace the place your lifeless physique will lie uncovered for a number of hours. “Somebody will take a look at your toe tag, chuckle as they learn your title aloud, after which inform all their coworkers to ‘come over right here and try this one.’ A gathering of individuals will quickly be mentioning unpleasant features of your physique and saying issues like ‘That’s simply goofy’ and ‘I’ve by no means seen one like that earlier than.’ They may keep in mind your title for a few years, as it’ll turn out to be shorthand for any repellent anatomical characteristic they encounter from that day on.” The report went on to state that this case is not going to be helped by the truth that your title is Dick B. Brief.