Report: Electrical Guitar Means This Seemingly Not Your Mom’s ‘Jingle Bells’

ST. PAUL, MN—Noting that the standard carol had undergone an unmistakably hardcore sonic shift, a brand new report revealed Tuesday discovered that the presence of an electrical guitar means you could be fairly rattling positive that what you’re listening to will not be your mom’s “Jingle Bells.” “Whether or not you’re out Christmas procuring at Outdated Navy, watching a trailer for an motion film the place Santa Claus goes lacking, or making an attempt to skip a YouTube advert for a vacation sale on wi-fi earbuds, as quickly as you hear that badass Stratocaster kick in, it rapidly turns into clear the model of ‘Jingle Bells’ you’re experiencing is much completely different from the one infants hearken to at preschool,” the report learn partially, including that the presence of a drummer going arduous as hell on the cymbals and a vocalist who may as effectively be screaming his rattling head off means you’re just about assured to be listening to the sort of rock and roll music that will give your churchgoing granny a coronary heart assault. “We’ll inform you this a lot: You’re not gonna hear carolers singing this model of ‘Jingle Bells’ until they’re the band Kiss. Belief us, child, in case you’re unwrapping presents together with your people and somebody blasts this ‘Jingle Bells’ on the sound system, your dad and mom are gonna wish to cowl their ears pronto, as a result of that is the kind of no-holds-barred Christmas tune juvenile delinquents are most likely jamming out to down on the skate park. And our findings make one factor abundantly clear: In case you can’t deal with the complete power of this adrenaline-pumping, amped-up ‘Jingle Bells,’ possibly it is best to drag your ass again to the nursing residence and hearken to Bing Crosby with the opposite outdated people, okay?” The report concluded by suggesting that the presence of a saxophone might, in reality, point out that you just’re listening to the sort of sultry “Jingle Bells” they’ve obtained enjoying on the swanky jazz golf equipment downtown.