Recession Forecasts Soar After Herds Of Panicked Economists Begin Operating Off Cliffs

NEW YORK—With unexplained pure phenomena having predicted seven of the final eight market collapses, consultants confirmed the probability of a recession had elevated Thursday amid studies that herds of panicked economists had began working off cliffs. “We nonetheless don’t know what causes them to do it, however economists can naturally sense a recession within the air, which triggers a mass panic and results in these self-destructive stampedes,” stated J.P. Morgan analyst Rebecca Herrera, who defined that earlier than the Nice Recession started in late 2007, 1000’s of spooked economists began working headlong off sheer drops into the canyons of the Colorado River. “Even because the bloody, damaged our bodies of Ivy League economics professors and Federal Reserve staff pile up on the rocks beneath, they are going to proceed to throw themselves over the sting with no regard for their very own life. Whereas economists do are likely to exhibit herd conduct, they are going to normally avoid harmful river crossings and cliffs. Generally you get a scattering of particular person jumps after a routine market downturn, however giant economist stampedes like this all the time point out a full-scale common recession. Some assume they possess an intuition to sacrifice themselves once they sense lean occasions forward, and it could be a conduct that advanced to skinny the herd earlier than mass layoffs.” At press time, the S&P 500 was rallying and forecasts of a recession had been declining after a mass die-off of personal fairness house owners.