‘Promoting Doesn’t Work On Me,’ Says Chosen One Who Will Lead Humanity Out Of Darkish Age Of Commercialism

PORTLAND, OR—Preaching the virtues of breaking free from an oppressive system of mass brainwashing, native man Dan Pearson, the chosen one who will lead humanity out of its present darkish age of commercialism, revealed Monday that promoting doesn’t work on him. “I really do analysis on-line as a substitute of simply shopping for one thing due to some dumb advert,” mentioned He Who Has Been Foretold, whose title can be celebrated for hundreds of years as the person who lastly noticed by means of the deception of consumerism and led humanity right into a golden age of free thought and religious nourishment. “I actually don’t even bear in mind most advertisements. I often mute them so I can really discuss with Jen about what we’re watching. It’s so silly that individuals tie up their entire id in merchandise simply because Nike tells them its sneakers will make them look cool. Truthfully, generally the one factor an advert does is make me not wish to purchase a product. I really use this factor known as AdGuard that stops bots from monitoring me on-line and fully blocks advertisements so I can simply suppose for myself. I really like that I’m screwing over these silly corporations. As an alternative of giving them my cash, I simply follow top quality stuff like Brooklinen.” At press time, the all-seeing sage, who can be honored with statues all over the world for releasing mankind from the shackles of company advertising, was telling onlookers that anybody who cares about celebrities is silly.