Pete Hegseth Invokes ‘Fog Of Conflict’ After Pissing In Break Room Fridge

ARLINGTON, VA—Describing the incident as a split-second operational judgment made beneath quickly evolving circumstances, Protection Secretary Pete Hegseth invoked the “fog of warfare” Thursday to elucidate why he urinated inside a Pentagon break room fridge. “Within the warmth of the second, you’ve received to decide, and generally that call is imperfect,” mentioned Hegseth, arguing that beneath the extraordinary strain of warfare it may be practically unimaginable to tell apart between a porcelain urinal and a white fridge. “Civilians can by no means perceive what it’s wish to be within the thick of it. On the bottom, you don’t have time to dilly-dally. You simply unzip and go. While you’re again residence, it’s simple to have all these high-minded beliefs in regards to the ‘guidelines’ of fight, however the fact is, when you end up completely blasted and face-to-face with a brightly lit shelf of individually wrapped string cheeses, you don’t have the luxurious of calculating whether or not there’s time to run to the toilet and even open a window. Throw round phrases like ‘warfare felony’ or ‘coworker’s insulin-ruiner’ all you need, however I acted with vital restraint by urinating within the vegetable crisper when, by all accounts, I’d have been completely justified in absolutely dousing each inch of the fridge in my piss.” Requested for remark, President Donald Trump defended Hegseth’s actions and appeared to indicate that the Pentagon custodian who filed the preliminary grievance ought to be investigated for treason.