Dr. No. Blofeld. A blonde Javier Bardem from one of many newer ones.
These gents have one factor in frequent: they’re evil masterminds, intent on destruction, chaos, and carnage. When one is foiled by MI6 agent James Bond, one other is at all times able to step into their footwear. The cycle continues; one villain falls, one other rises.
However what if one has been hiding in plain sight this whole time? What if his habits has gone unchecked, ignored, and even excused, till it’s far too late to cease him? It’s time to carry him to justice. To show him for the Bond villain he really is.
I’m speaking, after all, about Oscar the Grouch.
I’ve accused Oscar prior to now of being a Time Lord, however I could have been giving him an excessive amount of credit score. Maybe he’s not the misunderstood anti-hero I as soon as imagined. Maybe Oscar has been a conniving little scoundrel from the very starting.
You’re skeptical. “What proof do you could have?” you ask.
Let me enlighten you.
EVIL LAIR HIDDEN IN PLAIN SIGHT
Oscar’s trash can isn’t any bizarre place. At first look, positive, it’s only a trash can. Inconspicuous. Unassuming. Camouflaged completely inside the cheerful, healthful world of Sesame Road. However we all know higher. That trash can is very large inside. It’s outfitted with a swimming pool. A bowling alley. Who is aware of what else lies inside its depths?
It’d maintain secretive blueprints. Plans for world domination. Bear in mind, Bond villains like to construct lairs in locations nobody would suspect. Blofeld operated out of a volcano. Dr. No arrange underneath a nuclear facility. He even had a restaurant within the Alps. Positive, none of those places precisely scream “kid-friendly,” however all of them seem innocent sufficient on the floor.
Oscar’s trash can, deceptively mundane, is peak Bond villainy. Nobody would ever assume to look underneath these discarded banana peels and low grounds.
MASTER OF PSYCHOLOGICAL WARFARE
Bond villains are identified for his or her know-how. Some use nerve gasoline launched from satellites. Others have steel enamel sturdy sufficient to chew via metal cables. Some want freakin’ sharks with freakin’ laser beams connected to their freakin’ heads.
Oscar has no want for any of that.
Oscar’s weapon is way extra insidious. He weaponizes negativity. He spreads discontent and cynicism with each phrase. Social concord is disrupted each time he needs somebody a “rotten day.” Annoyance. Frustration. Even a faint sense of existential dread. Oscar can smash the happiest temper with only one grumpy look.
He doesn’t want devices. He doesn’t want a monologue. All he has to do is growl a single phrase: “Scram.”
HENCHMEN
That is going to sound daring, however I’m ready to say it: I imagine Slimey the Worm is evil.
He’s Oscar’s final agent. Sufficiently small to sneak into tight areas. Sensible sufficient to look at and report again with intel. Bear in mind, this worm has been to area. He’s not only a pet… I believe he’s an operative.
Cute? Completely. However that’s precisely how he will get away with it.
A FLAIR FOR THE DRAMATIC
Whereas Oscar might not ship the prolonged villain monologues we’ve come to anticipate, he definitely isn’t above theatrics. He makes an entrance, slamming open his lid and shouting at whoever’s close by. He makes an exit, shouting at whoever’s close by then slamming his lid closed.
Oscar is curating a second for these round him, crafting an environment of chaos.
It’s traditional Bond villain habits. The one distinction? As a substitute of explaining how laser beams will usher in a brand new world order, he sings about how a lot he loves issues which might be ragged, rotten, and rusty.
A RADICAL WORLDVIEW AND AN UNSHAKEABLE AGENDA
If there’s one trait all Bond villains share, it’s an excessive worldview. They imagine they’ve been wronged. They imagine the world should pay. And they’re going to do no matter it takes to make that occur.
Oscar matches the mildew completely.
He rejects pleasure. He rejects cleanliness. He actively promotes a worldview through which grime, trash, and pessimism are usually not simply acceptable, however ideally suited. This isn’t only a persona quirk. He’s on a mission to carry the world all the way down to his stage, to remake it in his grouchy picture.
It’s unsettling. It’s efficient. And it’s extra harmful than we’ve realized.
So I’m calling on the group at MI6 to behave. Examine Oscar the Grouch and his suspiciously constant habits. Don’t let his supposed “coronary heart of gold” idiot you. Oscar the Grouch has the means, the motive, and the mindset to carry humanity to its knees.
Cease him earlier than it’s too late.
And regulate that worm.
By Jarrod Fairclough – [email protected]
Click on right here to order a desk at a restaurant within the Alps on the ToughPigs Discord!
