New Pope Declassifies Jesus Crucifixion Paperwork

VATICAN— In an effort to carry openness and transparency to his function as supreme pontiff, Pope Leo XIV vowed Friday that “the reality will lastly be revealed” as he issued an order totally declassifying the Church’s Jesus Crucifixion Paperwork. “Ever since Christ was executed in broad daylight in the midst of Golgotha, questions have swirled in regards to the mysterious circumstances surrounding his demise, however now not,” stated the Bishop Of Rome, confirming that lots of of unredacted pages of biblical apocrypha might lastly present credence to the so-called “second stabber” idea that steered there have been a number of Romans that day plunging their spears into Christ’s aspect. “In fact, Judas Iscariot has traditionally been blamed for the entire thing, however what if he was only a patsy? Isn’t it just a bit too handy that he ‘hanged himself’ instantly after the crucifixion, that means nobody might ask him what actually occurred? And what was Mary Magdalene doing there that day when she was scheduled to be in Galilee? As soon as you start pulling at this thread, greater and greater questions emerge: Was it even actually Jesus Christ who emerged from the cave after three days, or did the Roman leaders make a swap on the final second with one other resurrected lifeless particular person? Cheap folks have been questioning these inconsistencies for hundreds of years, and it’s gone time that we lastly had a definitive reply.” The pope added that his subsequent official act can be to clear the title of the snake who was nothing greater than a fall man for the damaging energy brokers working Eden.