The opposite day, I discovered myself on Ventura Boulevard. I didn’t know I used to be misplaced, however that’s the place I discovered myself. I had simply left Pita Kitchen, the place the shawarma is on level. I wasn’t in a rush to get again to my automotive, as a result of I had earlier hit the parking lottery: A meter with practically two hours left. A extra violent man may’ve mentioned he was “killing time,” however I desire the time period lollygagging, which has the identical impact, minus the casualties.
I handed a lingerie retailer, an ice cream store, and a retailer that sells crops at a ridiculous mark-up. Then I got here to a type of new age, hippie-dippie candle shops referred to as Home of Instinct. A girl stopped me and requested if I might assist her and her buddy “movie one thing.”
For comedic functions, I at all times attempt to say sure in conditions like this. However I used to be full from lunch and the digicam provides 10 kilos, so I made a decision to move, despite the fact that my agent retains telling me “no one passes on this economic system.”
“We don’t want you to be within the video, we want you to shoot the video,” she mentioned. “It’ll simply take a minute.”
I had a minute, so I made a decision to present a minute.
The lady wore blue denims and a yellow high. She was tall and skinny with flowing blonde hair that ran all the way down to her waist. I put her at about twenty-five — a candy spot for a Hollywood actress, as WGA guidelines dictate that each script will need to have no less than three feminine characters of their twenties.
“You understand how to make use of an iPhone?” she requested.
It was an insulting query for 2025, however I assured her I wasn’t the San Fernando Valley’s reply to Rip Van Winkle.
“Rip Van Who?” she requested. “By no means thoughts. Are you prepared?”
She handed me her cellphone, then defined the set-up for the scene. Her co-star was a scruffy dude in a leather-based jacket. He appeared like a cross between The Fonz and Ted Kaczynski. He was to play a homeless man.
“And what about you?” I requested.
“I dance,” she mentioned.
“So that you’re a dancer?”
“No, I simply dance. For an entire minute.”
That appeared like a number of display screen time with out a lot motion, however who was I to query the director?
“Locations everybody,” I mentioned.
She discovered her mark close to a parking meter. The daylight hit her hair good, however with the Ventura Boulevard site visitors within the background, I used to be apprehensive we’d have continuity points.
“No slicing,” she mentioned. “It’s a single shot.”
“I such as you’re type,” I mentioned. “It’s an actual homage to Robert Altman.”
“By no means heard of him.”
That pained me, however since Altman’s monitoring shot within the opening scene of The Participant was itself an homage to what Orson Welles did in Contact of Evil, I figured I’d take one other crack at connecting with the director on filmmakers that encourage us.
Sadly, she hadn’t heard of Orson Welles both. However there have been larger fish to fry, as her co-star instantly had a thought concerning the script.
“I must be a musician,” he mentioned, “not a homeless man.”
“A homeless man makes it extra grounded,” she mentioned. “It’s actual, it’s uncooked, it’s true.”
“It’s miserable. If I’m a musician, it’s aspirational.”
The controversy went backwards and forwards. And not using a producer on the set to settle the argument, this may’ve gone on endlessly, or no less than till my meter ran out. We have been delayed and we hadn’t even gotten off our first take. Somebody needed to say one thing.
“Why don’t you compromise it with rock, paper, scissors?”
I figured that may 1) resolve the argument and a couple of) make for some compelling behind-the-scenes footage.
“That’s silly,” she mentioned. “Let’s vote on it.”
She voted for homeless man. He voted for musician. I solid the deciding vote.
“Musician.”
“Democracy guidelines,” he mentioned.
“Democracy sucks,” she shot again.
They have been each proper, nevertheless it didn’t matter, because the present needed to go on.
“Motion!”
We open on a musician, leaning in opposition to the window of a vacant storefront. Numerous perspective in his posture, however self-doubt in eyes. Did he make the proper resolution coming to Los Angeles to be a rock & roll star, or ought to he have stayed residence in Sheboygan and grow to be a butcher, like his dad?
A girl enters the body. She is contemporary out of fucks.
Girl: Are you homeless?
Musician: No! I’m a musician.
Girl: I wish to dance!
He takes out a harmonica, performs an upbeat tune. She dances — gradual, writhing, nearly imperceptible actions, like a sloth on quaaludes.
“Reduce!”
I ended the digicam.
“What’s improper?” I requested. “Why did you yell reduce?”
“We’ve acquired to rethink the dancing,” she mentioned. “It must have extra vitality. Perhaps I ought to breakdance.”
“Or, possibly you don’t dance in any respect,” her co-star advised. “Perhaps you’re an murderer.”
“No, that is a few lady who’s below strain — from her college, from her household, from society. She’s younger, and he or she’s on a path she doesn’t wish to be on. She desires to bop.”
That ought to’ve settled the argument, nevertheless it didn’t. I advised one other vote, however she put the kibosh on that concept, as democracy had achieved her soiled. We have been burning daylight, they usually wanted a inventive assembly.
“Pay attention, I gotta go,” I mentioned.
“However we want you to run digicam,” she pleaded.
“You don’t want me. That is Los Angeles. One other digicam operator shall be alongside quickly. Belief me: On this city, you’ll be able to throw and hit a author who is aware of work an iPhone. And once you throw that rock … throw it laborious.”
GOAT Yogi
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Stick round and chat!
I ask, you reply
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Have you ever ever discovered your self? Clarify.
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Why aren’t extra lingerie shops situated subsequent to ice cream outlets? Improper reply inspired.
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Would we higher of selecting our leaders with a sport of rock, paper, scissors, as an alternative of voting? Go deep!
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Hypothetical: You’re caught on an island alone, and also you solely select one director’s filmography to maintain you entertained? Who do you choose, and why is it Robert Altman?
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Are you a lollygagger? Inform your story.
