I’m by no means certain if I’m supposed discover a hill value dying on, or if it’s purely a matter of avoiding the hills I don’t wish to die on.
I spent the higher a part of a latest weekday morning in hill nation, talking with billing specialists at our physician’s workplace and our insurance coverage firm. Probably the most tempting hill to die on got here when a billing specialist defined that one dialog with my physician generated a number of billing codes, leading to a state of affairs the place a number of the dialog was lined and a few of it was out-of-pocket. I made a remark about “semantics” and possibly used the phrases “ridiculous” and “nonsensical.” However the billing specialist merely repeated her assertion that some phrases are insured, whereas others aren’t. The cocktail of your well being and cash and their bullshit is hemlock for hill nation. I used to be tempted to gulp down that hemlock, i.e., rage on the poor cog who had the misfortune to defend an absurd system, however frankly, I had higher issues to do than die on an American medical health insurance hill.
Whereas on maintain with dueling billing specialists, I additionally managed to keep away from dying on any social media hills as I scrolled Substack Notes. I’ve a strict Don’t Die On Social Media Hills rule. That rule retains me from wading into the “discourse” of carbon-copy takes about why AI is a plagiarism-machine, or sharing a grain of salt with those that consider that Substack can do no incorrect, or speaking politics with anybody.
After about an hour of hill dwelling, I used to be feeling fairly assured. True, these hills weren’t as tempting because the Sirens that received Odysseus, however social media and medical health insurance are traditional demise hills. I used to be nonetheless alive, and took that as an indication that the vibes had been good. So round midday, I slathered on some sunscreen and left the home.
First cease: smog examine. No hills there. Nothing however the infinite flatlands of an owner-operated enterprise with a 4.7 Yelp ranking and 1000’s of critiques. Additionally, I handed. Yay! Even higher, the DMV web site the place you pay the price to resume your registration is comparatively hill-free, in comparison with the precise DMV, which is situated on Everybody Dies Right here Mountain.
I hit the UPS retailer subsequent. Identical story because the smog examine man — owner-operated flatlands. Not a single hill in sight to die on. Additionally, they know me there, in order that they mentioned, “See you subsequent time, Michael,” which was a pleasant contact, in comparison with the smog examine man, who mentioned, “See you in two years, sir.”
After I left the UPS retailer, I made a decision to take myself to lunch. I went to Chipotle, the place I witnessed the lady forward of me in line die on Guacamole Hill. Her place: The 2 {dollars} and alter she paid lined chips and guacamole. Chipotle’s place: The 2 {dollars} and alter she paid lined chips and Pico de Gallo. I checked the costs on the menu. She was clearly incorrect, however evidently she believed deeply discounted guacamole was a hill value dying on.
She started by arguing that her studying of the menu was right. “It says two {dollars} proper there,” she mentioned. It wasn’t a lot of an argument, however she repeated it repeatedly. Every time, the Chipotle cashier’s rebuttal consisted of pointing to the menu and repeating the worth for chips and guacamole. It was a bit of like watching somebody whack away at a pool of guacamole with a sledgehammer. Every swing felt mighty, however the injury was negligible.
Exasperated, she turned on the Pico de Gallo. “I don’t even know what that is.” So the Chipotle cashier defined Pico de Gallo, beginning with the ingredient record and ending with a proposal to attempt it.
“No, I paid for guacamole.”
Once more, the Chipotle cashier defined how menus work.
“Nevertheless it says two {dollars}.”
She was dying on Guacamole Hill, there have been no two methods about it, nevertheless it wasn’t a superb demise. Or, a fast one. With the road backing up, issues seemed ugly. A burrito-eater-in-waiting is unpredictable and flamable. They may select from a menu that features passive-aggressive whispers, loud calls for for the lady to “transfer alongside,” and even violence, if hangry sufficient. However the Chipotle cashier had one final life-saving card to play.
“I feel you is likely to be complicated the chips and guacamole worth with the worth for including guacamole to your bowl or burrito,” he mentioned. “The add-on worth is completely different as a result of it’s much less guacamole.”
The girl seemed as if a lightweight bulb had gone off. She had made a mistake, and she or he knew it. The cashier had proven her an offramp that allowed her to come back down from the hill alive. However she should’ve had a demise want, as a result of doubled down.
“Give me the guacamole now.”
“No downside,” the cashier mentioned. “Would you prefer to order chips and guacamole? I can ring that up.”
“That is ridiculous.”
These had been the final phrases she mentioned on Guacamole Hill. And he or she was proper, this complete state of affairs was ridiculous. This was a really foolish hill to die on. And to die with such a poor argument besides. It was unhappy, actually. It felt like a wasted demise.
Nonetheless, I felt it vital to acknowledge the silly and futile sacrifice of the lady who believed in two-dollar guacamole, not as a result of she was proper, however as a result of I share that dream. I’d kill for two-dollar guacamole, or on the very least, vote for it. However I gained’t die on that hill, as a result of I do know it’s not going to occur, despite the fact that avocados actually develop on timber. However, a man can dream. And he can mourn. So when it was my flip to pay, I added a fountain drink to my order. Then I took my cup to fountain, crammed it with Coke Zero, then poured one out for the lady who died on Guacamole Hill.
State of affairs Regular is free, however a handful of state of affairs normies pay so I can preserve my Substack bestseller badge, which is the truth is, our bestseller badge. Massive shout outs go to
and “Gayle.” These of you who have a good time the golden age of TV gained’t acknowledge Kelly from such reveals as Billions and The Individuals as a result of he’s an incredible actor who disappears into his roles. These of you who’re long-time State of affairs Regular readers could acknowledge “Gayle,” as my mother, Linda, who evidently makes use of her center identify so she will be able to troll me. Thanks, Kelly! And thanks, Mother!
I did a Substack Stay this week with my buddy
. You most likely obtained an e mail letting that it was taking place “now,” which implies you probably missed it. No worries! Substack Stay is definitely Stay-to-tape, sorta how sitcoms had been taped “reside earlier than a studio viewers.” Anyway, you may take heed to and watch that dialog right here.
The information is bizarre, and I consider that when the going will get bizarre, the bizarre flip semi-pro. To wit: I’ve eaten a burrito from the center, discovered the braveness to inform the reality about Braveness Bagels, and finished yoga with goats. Most lately, I rode in a robo taxi and lived to jot down about it.
Now, it’s time for my subsequent act of absurdist journalism: Consuming at The Munch Field, a historic (and poorly named) Chatsworth burger joint frequented by Charles Manson. Is that this a narrative that must be informed? No. Will or not it’s informed? That’s as much as you. I estimate that this story will value round $20 for a burger, fries, and a drink. To make this story occur, ship any quantity by way of PayPal.
Massive thanks to the state of affairs normies who’ve bought & learn my novel, Not Protected for Work. I like listening to from you, whether or not you allow a evaluate, or drop me a line. And in case you haven’t purchased the purchased, you need to! As a result of in case you love State of affairs Regular, there’s an 11 in 10 likelihood you’ll chuckle your butt off studying my slacker noir set within the porn trade on the daybreak of Net 2.0.
Not Protected for Work is obtainable at Amazon and all the opposite e-book locations.
*The e-book is .99, so you may’t go too far incorrect. Simply sayin’.
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What’s a hill you didn’t assume was value dying on? Clarify.
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Have you ever died on any hills lately? Share your story.
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Why don’t extra politicians promise to decrease the worth of guacamole? Go deep!
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Do you wish to hear my tackle AI, or do you might have higher stuff to do along with your time? No incorrect solutions right here.
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Have you ever learn Not Protected for Work but, or do you hate laughing?
