THE HEAVENS—Moments after recognizing hordes of the minuscule creatures skittering throughout the face of the earth, the Lord, Our Holy Father, reportedly grew to become disgusted Thursday and positioned a large overturned glass atop humanity.
Heavenly sources confirmed the Almighty cursed in shock when He first noticed the huge swarm of human beings crawling by Creation, however He quickly scrambled to overturn a 70-million-foot-tall ingesting vessel and include the planet’s infestation, trapping the big mass of 8.1 billion squirming pests inside.
“Gross, gross, gross, they’re getting in all places!” stated the visibly nauseated deity, who after a brief search round His Kingdom retrieved a ten,000-mile-wide paper plate He might slide beneath the glass to make sure the scampering throngs didn’t escape. “Ugh, I hate the twitchy manner they transfer. And the tiny hairs throughout their our bodies. Plus, they’re all the time form of moist. Completely creeps me out.”
“Significantly, I would puke simply them,” the Lord continued.
In keeping with witnesses, God found the human colony late at evening after turning over a cloud in heaven’s sanctum sanctorum to seek out billions of the creatures writhing on the planet beneath. A number of stories confirmed that after trapping humanity, the Almighty Creator exhibited a variety of coping responses that included wincing in surprised silence as He gazed on the people from afar, audibly gagging on the sight of saliva dripping from their jaws, and even shouting “Get out! get out!” on the tiny noncomprehending beings for over a minute.
Although he momentarily regained His composure by taking some deep breaths, the Lord is claimed to have fallen right into a match of dry-heaving after He noticed a number of people in Central Europe expelling bodily fluids as they copulated. After recovering as soon as extra, He was seen rolling up an historic scroll and approaching the glass with the papyrus brandished in His Divine Hand.
“If I allow them to out they’ll infest all of Creation—they breed like loopy,” stated He Who Divided the Heavens and Earth, tapping on the facet of the glass as a number of million inhabitants of the North American continent scurried helplessly away contained in the cup. “I used to suppose the moral factor was to launch them, however they all the time appear to seek out their manner again to me. Then they get into my shit and begin consuming by every part in sight. Plus, they stink up the place.”
Official data confirmed that is removed from the primary time the Everlasting One has struggled with a human incursion. As soon as, as a youthful deity, the Lord reportedly positioned a pair in His backyard, gave them fruits and herbs, and even named them, solely to develop bored after a number of months. When He remembered them a number of years later, Our Heavenly Father was pissed off to find an out-of-control inhabitants scuttling all around the globe.
Since then, God is believed to have grown way more impatient with humanity’s tendency to decimate forests, contaminate meals provides, and unfold illness. A small quantity is sufficient to ship Him stomping on the fleeing beings, and sources stated on one event He leapt onto His Heavenly Throne and refused to get down till the Holy Ghost exterminated them.
“You may smite just a few of those fuckers, however there’ll all the time be extra on their manner,” stated the Almighty, grimacing as the looks of His Everlasting Face outdoors the glass despatched enormous portions of the miniscule beings scattering for canopy in South America. “You may set them on fireplace, crush them, even throw them out into area—they all the time bounce again and begin breeding like nothing occurred. Perhaps I’ll simply put a bunch of water in there and see in the event that they drown.”
“Though, that’s by no means labored earlier than,” the Creator of All Issues added.
At press time, God was seen spraying an enormous bottle of Axe Physique Spray over the whole lot of Creation in a remaining try and wipe out the human infestation as soon as and for all.
