PARIS—In an announcement citing the necessity to protect his smoldering attractiveness in order that future generations may proceed to swoon over him, U.N. officers introduced Tuesday that Spanish actor Javier Bardem had been formally declared a UNESCO World-Class Hunk.
The U.N. company mentioned Bardem had met the factors of “brawn, charisma, and uncooked masculine eros” needed for formal recognition “of his excellent desirability to humankind,” a prestigious designation that affords him protections beneath a world treaty supposed to safeguard rugged male allure. A small plaque figuring out him as a World-Class Hunk can be worn by the Vicky Cristina Barcelona star as a temptingly low-slung belt buckle.
“As stewards of humanity’s libidinal heritage, we should work to make sure that not solely our youngsters, however our youngsters’s kids, will in the future develop as much as thirst after this advantageous slab of man,” mentioned UNESCO Director-Common Audrey Azoulay, including that her group had accepted Spain’s nomination of the actor for World-Class Hunk standing with a unanimous “Hubba-hubba” from all current. “Mr. Bardem’s breathtaking physique, disarming smile, and deep, gravelly voice have a novel erogenous worth that conjures up lust amongst all peoples of the world.”
“I imply, have you ever seen that shirtless Instagram picture of him studying?” added Azoulay, who exhaled sharply earlier than dabbing her brow with a handkerchief. “My God.”
Underneath the phrases of UNESCO’s protections, Bardem can not be required to lose greater than 2 ounces of muscle mass for an performing function or disguise “that beautiful bone construction” beneath make-up or prosthetics that may stop posterity from crushing exhausting on him. UNESCO may even present sources to maintain the Academy Award winner’s well-defined torso and biceps oiled up and glistening in perpetuity.
Based on sources, efforts to guard Bardem’s pure hotness took on specific urgency after a 2006 incident through which a haircut sustained throughout the filming of No Nation For Previous Males left him severely goofy-looking, and plenty of feared his innate sexual magnetism would by no means get well. Preservationists breathed a sigh of reduction when the actor’s appears returned to and even exceeded their pre-Chigurh ranges, thanks partly to his cultivation of a profoundly attractive salt-and-pepper beard.
“We’ve misplaced so many hunks to bodily neglect or botched restoration efforts through the years that discovering one as remarkably well-preserved as Javier Bardem appears like nothing wanting a miracle,” mentioned Luis Casado, a number one scholar of male pulchritude who described how the lack of Leonardo DiCaprio’s V-line to the ravages of time nonetheless stored him up at evening. “UNESCO World-Class Hunks like Denzel Washington and George Clooney are a lot extra than simply constructed dudes with simple confidence and an irresistible aroma someplace between tobacco and leather-based. They’re a dwelling catalog of the shared horniness of all human cultures.”
“These males have been so well-preserved that, effectively into their sixties, you continue to really feel a robust urge to only lick them up and down, repeatedly,” he continued.
Whereas UNESCO’s resolution has drawn widespread reward, some worry the designation will drive a rise in international curiosity that would make Bardem much less accessible to these for whom he holds probably the most which means.
“I acknowledge that Javier is a part of our shared erotic heritage and, in that sense, belongs to the whole world,” mentioned actress Penélope Cruz, who’s married to Bardem and has obtained UNESCO protected standing herself. “Sadly, this honor brings numerous consideration with it, and now greater than ever he’ll be swarmed by crowds of individuals and topic to the flash images of paparazzi, issues that do harm over time.”
“So perhaps UNESCO wants to only again the fuck off,” Cruz added. “This candy piece of ass is mine.”
