The next is an open letter from World Tetrahedron CEO Bryce P. Tetraeder that was included with every copy of The Onion that was despatched to Congress.
In case you are studying this, you’re doubtless both a member of Congress or one of many many underlings tasked with prodding lawmakers from a senile haze after they should forged a vote. You could be questioning why you could have lucked out and acquired a free concern of our storied publication with out a lot as inserting a rider right into a invoice classifying The Onion as a tax-free spiritual group.
Merely put, the inaction of Congress has already made me happier than any authorized loophole might.
As a titan of enterprise, I discover this nation’s descent into corruption and tyranny not merely a balm for my soul, but in addition an enormous profit to my backside line. We’re on the precipice of a brand new financial order, one during which prosperous males like myself will have the ability to choose their very own tax charge from a drop-down menu. It’s a actuality I barely dreamed doable just some months in the past.
However sending every member of Congress a duplicate of our vaunted reporting is greater than only a token gesture of thanks for bringing a few future during which scions like myself are given limitless affect over authorities and veto energy over bike lanes. As we stand within the smoldering ruins of our democratic authorities, we at World Tetrahedron LLC can be doing a disservice to our shareholders, their descendants, and their descendants’ thoroughbred horses if we didn’t take this chance to grab up as a lot energy and cash as doable whereas the getting is sweet.
On that notice, I invite you to peruse this concern and let it dictate your each motion as you lead us forth into smash. There’s not any have to fake to learn reviews from fact-obsessed specialists or take heed to the drivel spewed by your half-wit constituents. The Onion is now your every part.
It’s your sole information, your lodestar, your universe. Burn all different newspapers. Drive their so-called journalists out into the chilly. From right here on out, America’s Most interesting Information Supply holds a monopoly on deciding what’s finest for our nation’s enterprise pursuits, and subsequently our nation.
As you’ll learn within the piece I made my editorial board write whereas hovering over their shoulders and respiratory my will into their ears, our nation is slipping easily into the nice and cozy bathtub of authoritarianism and oligarchy. I want I might take credit score for this, and I’ll. However a lot of the reward should go to Congress and its cowardice. I ask you to remain the course and permit The Onion’s sturdy, regular arm to level the way in which. Your capitulation will probably be justly rewarded with glowing press protection and the chance to borrow our paperboys to do with as you would like.
Congress, Now Extra Than Ever, Our Nation Wants Your Cowardice
To the esteemed members of Congress, I say: Benefit from the paper. I look ahead to seeing lots of you at my annual orgy in one of many $500,000-per-head intercourse pits.
Infinite Affect Without end,
Bryce P. Tetraeder, World Tetrahedron CEO
