THE ARCTIC CIRCLE—With a vow to destroy the abomination she had created if it was the very last thing she ever did, tv host Oprah Winfrey has spent weeks on a ship pursuing Dr. Phil by way of the Arctic, sources reported Tuesday.
Sailors aboard the vessel confirmed that whereas Winfrey appeared in poor health and exhausted from steady publicity to the cruel tundra, she nonetheless spent hour upon hour peering by way of a brass spyglass and scanning the desolate panorama for any signal of the grotesque TV persona and previously licensed therapist. Regardless of the heavy winds and raging sea, the 71-year-old media entrepreneur reportedly urged the ship’s captain to press northward.
“There! There he’s, that speck on the horizon!” mentioned Winfrey, who had armed herself with a pistol, a number of daggers, and a heavy hardcover copy of Jonathan Franzen’s The Corrections in preparation for a remaining face-to-face encounter with Dr. Phil. “I introduced this horrid creature into the world, and now I have to take him out!”
“The dæmon can pay for what he’s accomplished to my legacy,” Winfrey continued.
The ship’s captain, 50-year-old Rodney Walton, instructed reporters that crew members had picked up Winfrey after recognizing her stranded on a chunk of fractured sea ice with a sled, a group of canine, and a barely mad look in her eye. Though she was evidently affected by pneumonia and malnutrition, Winfrey was mentioned to be hellbent on the instant pursuit of Dr. Phil.
Had he not caught a glimpse of the monstrosity himself, Walton said, he wouldn’t have believed in such a tv host’s existence.
“He was tall and impossibly hideous, with a mustache that made my blood run chilly,” mentioned Walton, who shuddered visibly as he described Dr. Phil’s ugly visage. “His voice, too. I’ll always remember it. He stored moaning about out-of-control teenagers stealing drugs and reducing class. It wasn’t human.”
Winfrey expressed regret over the fateful evening years in the past when she created the TV host at Harpo Studios, telling reporters it was a hubristic need to play the Queen of All Media that compelled her to deliver Dr. Phil to life.
Sketches in her possession revealed that she had reanimated Dr. Phil after exhuming the freshly buried stays of a deceased cutthroat and scoundrel, which she then mixed with the rotting organs of a door-to-door Amway salesman, a number of telemarketers, and a disbarred lawyer.
“What beast have I unleashed upon the world?” mentioned Winfrey, who appeared hardly to note the icicles forming on her eyelashes as she paced forwards and backwards on the deck of the ship.
Winfrey said that she had spent the previous few months on the path of Dr. Phil, touring hundreds of miles by way of the Alps, the Black Sea, the Mediterranean, the Russian wilderness, and, at one level, Los Angeles, the place he was embedded with federal immigration officers. Winfrey alleged the pursuit was instigated after Dr. Phil strangled her beloved Stedman in retaliation for her refusal to create a feminine Dr. Phil to function his companion.
“Oh my pricey Stedman, how I weep for thee,” mentioned Winfrey, crying out in anguish as she recalled how she had regarded up from the spot the place she found her longtime associate’s limp physique and seen a cackling Dr. Phil perched on the window sill. “I fired my pistol, but it surely was too late—the fiend leapt from the window and dove into the lake.”
“By the ability of my 19 Daytime Emmy Awards, I shall vanquish you, wretch!” Winfrey added.
In accordance with sources, Winfrey’s already poor well being took a flip for the more serious after the vessel grew to become trapped in ice and fully grounded the hunt for the creature. When Winfrey’s situation compelled her to take to her mattress, she entered a state of delirium, alternately shivering in silence and cursing Dr. Phil’s identify on the high of her lungs. She was overheard vowing to hack by way of each final iceberg herself ought to it show essential to wipe him endlessly from the face of the earth.
“Promise me that if I perish, you shall pursue the creature your self,” mentioned Winfrey, peering up on the ship captain from her bundle of furs in one among her final lucid moments. “This 12 months, my favourite factor is vengeance.”
At press time, Walton had reportedly found Dr. Phil hunched over Winfrey’s lifeless physique, weeping.
